This is how we begin

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -Leo Tolstoy

Ever since I was a child I had always believed that I was special in someway. My parents were fond of telling the stories about how I always put the needs of others ahead of myself. How as a very young child I would go into the kitchen, and steal three cookies. One for myself. Two for my older brother. And perhaps I was different from most children. In a world that trains us from an early age to take what we need for ourselves, where greed is promoted as "competition" and morality is given a back seat for greater freedoms, a child such as that would certainly seem odd. And in the same way such a world certainly seemed odd to me as a child. It is little wonder of course that as I grew up I had a hard time fitting in. As I grew older and began searching for purpose in my life I felt as though I had been chosen for something far greater than anyone around me. I felt that I would someday change the world. I would heal it of the problems which plagued it. Problems which I knew were numerous but at the time could not even begin to comprehend. I am not sure exactly how it came about, but in time I decided that the only way to reach the world and affect the change that I wanted to see was to become a writer.

Time went by and I slowly became more grounded. I realized that such fantasies were egotistical and unrealistic. I came to understand that while my way of viewing the world made me happy, there were hundreds of thousands of people who would never be able to accept it. People who had come to rely on a broken system. So I put my dreams aside and focused my writing more on the story aspect. As my studies progressed I fell in love with the idea of the hero. Comic books which had been absent in the first twenty years of my life slowly began gathering on my bookshelf.

Aside from my changing tastes in literature, I was also going through other social changes. Having previously led the life of the quiet social outcast upon coming to college I quickly found myself surrounded by friends. People who were less concerned with my disdain for athletics and more interested in my unique perspective of the world. I had always held my family close, but now I found myself with friends who were just as dear to me. People whom I knew I could depend upon. I should have been happy at this point, but there was something that bothered me. I had given up my dream of changing the world in exchange for finding happiness with those around me, but in doing so I had given up my purpose.

Nearly a year after graduation, I find that I have lost most of those things that I held most dear. As life took us our separate ways I slowly lost those loved ones that I had found in college. I found work not as a writer, but at a local bar and grill. It seems that at this point in time and this point in space there is no need for special children. We find ourselves alone, lost and wondering what the hell happened to all the promises of happiness given to us by our parents and bad Disney films. At least that is where I found myself.

I grew angry and bitter. I felt myself wanting to become one of those people whom I could never understand as a child. I wanted to give up on change and embrace the system that had made me feel so hateful and alone. I do not know what stopped me. Perhaps it was a friend who reached out, and let me know that I was not as alone as I felt. Maybe it was the fear of losing everything I held dear, including my sense of morality and honor. Or perhaps it was me finally growing tired of being defeated by a sad and broken world. But I stood on the edge of that dark path and choose instead to embrace the child who believed he could fix the world.

I doubt this blog will ever be read by anyone. But if by chance it is, I hope they take one of two things from this. If they are like me, and see the world as I do, then I want them to take Hope. Hope from knowing that there are others like them who want to make a better future, and who are willing to stand up for what they believe is right. But if the reader is one who has grown comfortable with the current system I wish them to be warned. The world will change, if you wish to keep up, then be prepared to change yourself as well.