White Knights and Revelations

"Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

As far back as I can remember I have always loved the idea of the Hero. It is likely the reason I first got hooked on the fantasy, why I began playing role playing games, and why at the age of 20 I began collecting comic books and thinking about writing my own graphic novel. But I've always been very picky about my heroes. I have never liked characters like Superman who had no real weakness, because part of being a hero, to me, has been the sacrifice that one must take to stand up when needed. If the character has no reason to fear, has nothing to lose, then can their actions really be seen as heroic? I don't believe so.

I had always assumed that my obsession with heroes is what led me to lead a life of putting the needs of others ahead of myself. I had believed that my natural empathy was a gift which was best put to work healing the wounds of those that I cared about. And it is likely why every relationship I have ever been it has been with a woman who was in some way "damaged." I had taken it upon myself to protect and cure my loved ones at any cost and on at least one occasion had stayed in relationships long beyond the self-destructive point in hopes that my sacrifice would pay off in the end.

Imagine my surprise when I heard the phrase White Knight Syndrome, and out of curiosity did a Google search to figure out what it was. "Real-life white knights are men and women who enter into romantic relationships with damaged and vulnerable partners, hoping that love will transform their partner's behavior or lives; [...] Although the white knight's heroic actions may take the form of slaying her partner's metaphorical dragons, her real goal, which is often beyond her awareness, involves slaying the dragons from her own past." (The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others, By Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. and Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D.) I spent the next hour reading everything I could and in the end I was forced to the realization that I saw myself as a White Knight.

I did a great deal of self evaluation and I believe I have discovered the roots of my need to save others. And I have taken steps to forgive myself and let go of my guilt. But the question that now bothers me is how much of my life has been influenced by this "condition"? What sort of person would I have been if I hadn't made myself a White Knight, and perhaps most important, what do I do now with that part of me? I believe that my actions, though ultimately self destructive in the past, have helped others. The articles I read told me that I must learn to rescue myself first before I can find a healthy relationship. But what happens to the hero in me? By putting my own needs first I gain emotional and mental health. But what do I lose? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, and I don't know that I am willing to rescue myself if it means giving up my hero.

Is that then what it really means to be a hero, giving up happiness to perform a greater good? If that is the case then it is no wonder that there are so few heroes today.